March 24, 2009

Split Personality

Love this photo. It looks a bit like what I feel - a series of photographs superimposed upon one another, the image of flight away from self, the stolid main figure.
I'm feeling a bit split, lately. On the one hand, I find the losses associated with MS to be mounting most unacceptably and just generally becoming a pain in the arse.
On the other, I have found this time off work liberating. The time needed to process my loss of livlihood, my current situation, my thoughts about my working life has been wonderful. I believe I've come to realize where my strengths are, where my weaknesses are, where I did well, where I erred.
As much as anyone can, of course. I am starting to shush my "social self" - the queen of shoulds - and give some room to my "essential self" -the queen if I want tos. It is feeling better all the time.
Of course, my want-tos may not be cans, so there may be some adjustments needed here and there, as with all things with this crazy disease. But at least I won't be spending so much energy on the areas where I feel I should - because usually I am wrong about that.
Tomorrow I go to the farewell party from my workplace for me. I am not really looking forward to it. First, I don't like goodbyes. Second, I really really hate insincere emotion, and there will be some of that there. And third, I don't know who will turn up. Could be really grim. Wish me luck...

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