January 18, 2014
I'm not limited enough that most of my day is spent dealing with my MS, and for that I am absurdly grateful.
I AM limited enough that a large proportion of my day is affected by my MS, and for that, well, I am grumpy.
I have had to retire, from an interesting and challenging career. I left work at 50, after staying home with my kids while we moved around for years for my husband's career. I don't begrudge staying home with the kids. I don't even begrudge moving around. But I feel as if I haven't had a chance to show my abilities yet. It's frustrating to get to a place where things were interesting and then find myself unable to do them anymore. And five years in, I'm starting to wonder what lies ahead.
I had a lot of fun working, using my creative mind on problems. I made a lot of mistakes, I had a few successes, I LIKED it. And then I couldn't do it, I couldn't remember what I was doing, I was so tired I could barely walk, I became hyperemotional and had a breakdown from the disease.
It's more common than you at first hear. I should have known, when I was diagnosed with depression, that my brain was wearing out. I've never been depressed in my life. Until MS came along. Now it's something I battle daily, along with fatigue and pain and decreased mobility.
But I'm young yet. I'm just 55. With luck I have another 25-30 years ahead of me - to do WHAT? There are only so many crafts. I've tried writing, I don't have the mental stamina for it. I volunteer, and I can continue to do that, provided I can have a nap regularly. But is it enough?
I don't know. I search on, looking for some way to make some sort of contribution.