June 29, 2018

The uncaring health care system, or why neurologists seem so unsympathetic

I know, I know. We've all heard the stories about neurologists who treat their patients like objects of no interest, who never seem to take your pains and troubles seriously, who are in and out of the clinic room in 2.2 milliseconds.

They seem to be everywhere.

I used to get all hurt by their reaction, too - I'd leave muttering and cross at the world and hating the neuro in particular. Of course, I was going to one of the top neurologists in the country (and he knows it), and was profoundly uninteresting to him as I was still walking and talking.

In my mind I was degrading by the minute. But then, he wasn't evaluating my cognitive abilities or my depression. He was only interested in my walking. Which was something I didn't understand until I looked into MS studies and found that, at that time, that was the only assessment routinely done. (this is changing, thanks to Bart's MS save the hand focus).

But I've been ten years with this disease and I've gained some perspective. And some sympathy for the neurologists. (Not for my one from before - he truly IS an ass, and some are) I've worked with neurologists on projects, I've participated in research, I've made my own panicked calls to the clinic begging for help. What I've discovered is that they are an interesting and interested group of individuals who really do have a dismal job. Most of their patients do not get better.

Brain injuries don't tend to get better. They progress (in MS, Parkinson's, Alzheimer's, Huntington's, etc etc). Doctors (and MS Nurses) are supporting a crumbling wall, catching the biggest falling stones, having to let the smaller ones tumble.

When I was first diagnosed, I must have called my MS nurse a zillion times. I would have a symptom, it would bother me, so I'd call. "My foot is in a spasm and it hurts". "Yes, that happens," she'd say. "I'm completely numb on my right side". "Yes, that happens," she said. "My vision is all blurry!" "Yes..." And on and on.

God bless her, she never said, "Would you please stop bothering me? I have real sick people to talk to!" Because she did. The people who were paralyzed, who couldn't swallow food, who had horrible kidney infections after storing urine for weeks, people who had gone blind with optic neuritis. People who were truly suffering, as vs me, who was being BOTHERED.

Symptoms are awful, painful, exhausting, depressing. I hate it when I can't see properly. I grieve when I can't pee or pee when I shouldn't. I live in total fear of fecal incontinence. I miss being able to feel things.

But hey, I'm also getting older. Maybe my blurring vision is due to cataracts. Maybe those aches and pains are because I've lazily sitting about instead of exercising.

Or maybe they are signs of my MS progressing. Truth is, there isn't a whole lot that can be done about that bit. Yes, medications - the disease modifying ones - and we should all be taking something like that. Vitamin D - yep. Antispasm drugs. Medical Cannabis. etc. But truth be told, other than the disease modifiers and Vitamin D, nothing will stop this train we're on. Yet.

We can adjust the pillows or ask for a warm blanket, but it's really up to us to try to make ourselves better. Rest, exercise, stretch (whatever parts you can). Eat as well as you can. Avoid salt. Enjoy life as much as possible. Rest. Laugh. Like most chronic diseases, MS is up to us to manage. We have to take responsibility for a lot of it.

And leave the neurologists time to see those who are being consumed by galloping MS, who are dealing with people dangling on the knife blade of serious progression. Leave them time to do research, to find a cure for this dratted thing.

It's terrifying to take responsibility for your "itching swelling brain," and I don't mean to discourage anyone from checking to be sure a flare-up isn't something more serious. Lately I've called when I couldn't pee, and when I lost myself for an hour and felt panicked. (also a pee issue - a urinary tract infection). Both times I got an immediate caring response that dealt with the issue. I don't call when I'm in pain, or tired, or can't read well anymore. With perspective, I know that if I stretch, drink more water, rest, move, this will likely pass, and if not, there probably isn't a solution. (yet) And I whine to my MS support group and they whine to me and we understand each other.

Life sucks. MS sucks more. So does diabetes, arthritis, cancer, etc. We aren't the only ones who deal with stuff on a daily basis. Sometimes we just have to bite the bullet and suffer in silence.

What do you think? Let me know in the comments!

July 29, 2017

Sex and disability - yes yes yes!

A lovely series about sex and disability - check it out!


An excerpt:

There is nothing wrong with disabled sexuality

Disabled sexuality is very stigmatized in many cultures, and there are a lot of reasons why, some of which start with the belief that disabled people are "innocent" and need to be protected from the big bad world. You may have encountered attitudes suggesting that disabled people who have sex are freaky or weird, and that disabled people only have sex when there's a fetish involved. That's not true — lots of disabled people actually have super mundane sex lives, while others are total kinksters, some of whom are even part of the fetish community, but often their fetishes have nothing to do with disability!
Consensual, joyful sexuality isn't wrong or weird or gross or freaky, even if your body doesn't always do what you want it to do or your brain likes to fight you and even if other people want to desexualize you because of your impairment. The only people who should be ashamed of themselves are the ones who think they can dictate what your sexuality looks like because they make assumptions about you on the basis of how your body and brain function.
In fact, there's also something very right about it. Sometimes adaptations that make sex more accessible, fun, and empowering work to your advantage — like being more conscious about communication and taking advantage of props to get comfortable before you get down for sexytimes.

The site talks about many aspects of sexuality, including masturbation and toys, safety and consent, and especially, cognitive issues and sexual relationships.
It's not specifically about MS, but a lot of the issues could apply. Check it out. It's an easy read, and as far as I can tell, full of good info!

April 29, 2017

Sexual dysfunction, anorgasmia, and missing the boat entirely

You have got to love a disease that gradually takes away all your fun. It's a darn good thing we MSers have a sense of humour, or we'd give up in despair.

So you've lost the pleasure of a long hike in the mountains, or the joy of marshmallowing in hot tubs. You can't even sit long without cramping and you love a good drink but hate the subsequent smell of pee as your bladder misbehaves.

Coffee may be your best friend when at home, and your enemy when out, unless you locate yourself next to a bathroom. Your vision - well, we won't go there as I am terminally depressed about mine.

I used to joke about my fatigue and dating - that I'd go out on a date and be overwhelmed with making conversation, so I'd bring the fellow home, and then I'd be so tired I had to lie down. Somehow the guys ALWAYS got the wrong impression...

But now even that sinful pleasure has left the building. Sex can be exhausting, and overwhelming to sensations. One of my more perceptive dates (god love his furry little hide) noticed that I was in pain after sex if I didn't orgasm. (Note: no one else has ever seemed to notice or care - and of course I am battling exhaustion so don't demand as I should)

But that isn't often easy for we MSers, either. Not only are our sensations all over the place, missing, or twisted, but we don't get to the end point as often as we'd like. I liken it to lighting a firecracker and then having it just burn down, with no explosion. The firecracker is burned out, but still full of unexpended gunpowder, and sparks that fire in places they shouldn't.

Tuppy Owens, founder of the Outsiders Club in the UK, is a proponent of sexual workers being able to help those of us with handicaps in this area. These sex workers are not prostitutes but essentially perform a similar service, spending time in a sexual way with disabled people. Unfortunately, this service is not available in Canada - it's still illegal to purchase these kinds of services, no matter the medical need. I suspect this is because we are still under the conservative thinking that sex is not necessary for survival or health. And/or that disabled people wanting sex is just creepy. I think that is wrong-headed, discriminatory, and hurtful.

I know people who have lost "normal" sensations for whom touching an ear can be thrilling. Other more intimate touches may 'work' after the body is turned on with focus elsewhere.

But what about those who are immobilized, who can't share physical sensations with their partners, who don't know how to please each other in a changed situation?

So that's why I'm working on my book. It's not that I live for sex or are terribly focused on it - it's that I know what it's like to lose a bit of it, and I know how it affects me. So few people with disabilities get touched in any other than a helper way. It's wrong. Touch is important to everyone, disabled or not...and sexual or not.

So I toil away, with my  unhelpful MS brain dragging behind my wishes to get it complete.

In the meantime, I've found a site for people with spinal cord injuries (which we often are - I find it helpful to think of MS as acquired brain damage and spinal cord injury) that provides information about many aspects of intimacy with this condition. Please visit and tell me what you think. Is it enough to be told these things, or do you wish for access to sexual surrogates (not me, I hasten to add) here in Canada? And why is it that all of these sites focus almost exclusively on male erection and ejaculation and so little on women, other than mentioning lubrication? Sheesh. Apparently we are again simple receptacles.

Here it is, from Vancouver, of course, from their spinal cord program: http://scisexualhealth.ca/sexuality-201-sci/

They also have a lovely booklet that talks about devices that can be used for different abilities. Once again, there is a greater focus on aids to men, but the information is adaptable:
Pleasurable: Sexual Device Manual for People with Disabilities
What I like about this one is that it breaks down toys by where you need help (hand strength, positioning, etc) and includes a section on devices that can be applied by caregivers and left in place while you have some privacy...

 'There's nothing you can't do if you set your mind to it. Nothing is impossible." Rick Hansen

Have a look, have fun, and let me know what you think!

April 19, 2017

Wheelchair Kamikaze: Ocrevus: Prominent MS Clinic Issues Cautionary Sta...

Those of you contemplating Ocrevus, please read Marc's excellent discussion...

Wheelchair Kamikaze: Ocrevus: Prominent MS Clinic Issues Cautionary Sta...:   On March 28, 2017, the new MS drug Ocrevus was approved for both relapsing MS and progressive MS, becoming the first drug to achieve FDA a...

Being bipolar with MS

I'm not really bipolar, at least I don't think so, but there's this thing that happens to me sometimes, where I am busy and suddenly my fingers type very fast and I kind of go into a fugue state where I flow through my day without actually being part of it. 

The next day, I am overwhelmed with the blues and a feeling of insignificance and the urge to abandon hope and flee to somewhere, anywhere, where I can be alone with my thoughts.

It's not a good time to read books talking about suicide at those times.

Now that I know that this happens, fairly regularly, I try to ignore it and carry on, knowing that I will be better soon, after a bit of rest and accomplishing some things and yadda yadda.

Yesterday was one of my spin days. I wrote in the morning, volunteered in the afternoon, went to a talk in the evening. I don't believe I was truly present for much of the day, covered over with wax paper mentally, feeling separate from my environment. And then the evening session I went to I couldn't shut up at, despite my telling myself to.

Sounds pretty manic to me. Home and tossing and turning all night (to be fair, my sick cat was to blame for much of that), and now today I am on the edge of tears and just wah wahing to myself.

It happens fairly often, this rapid change. When you feel physically good with MS, you feel as if you are on speed. You can DO things, the fatigue is eased for a moment, you don't feel as if you are going to collapse into a narcoleptic pile at any moment. You can physically sit for a bit and NOT fall asleep. It's a rush.

So off you spring like a bunny rabbit and you do many more things than you are used to in a day and then huzzah, you pay for it with tired neurons and a post accomplishment hangover.
People tell me to pace myself, etc etc, but if I lived my whole life according to my bad days I truly would give up. I have to have hope that something will turn out right, sometime, that the me that is inside can still struggle through the wax paper and interact.

The more I find myself being inappropriate during my up days, though, the more I think I should stay away from people. Which isn't a good thing.

Time, I foresee, to get some help...again...or maybe I am overmedicated....

April 16, 2017

An excellent blog to follow and read

From Bart's Hospital, UK - lots of short posts, all very interesting!

Multiple Sclerosis Research

And who the heck are you? Or frontal lobe dementia and MS

Image result for cortical MS 

I just read an article about the inimitable Terry Jones of Monty Python fame and how he has developed frontal lobe dementia. The symptoms sounded familiar - loss of impulse control, depression, aphasia or dislike of talking, 

"Unlike Alzheimer’s, there is no loss of reasoning or orientation. However, planning, decision making and speech are affected, and patients often seem less caring or concerned about their family and friends." https://www.theguardian.com/society/2017/apr/16/monty-python-terry-jones-learning-to-live-with-dementia

Hmm. I thought. I know I have some frontal lobe lesions. I wonder if there's a link between MS and frontal lobe dementia?

Turns out there is, and not only that but they are suggesting some of the people who appear with just depression or dementia may in fact also have MS. Often there's a long course of depression before the diagnosis of MS is made, but then we all know about how long it takes to be diagnosed unless you become paralyzed or blind suddenly...In any case, it's important to know about this as these people's dementia may be slowed with MS treatments.Here's one of the articles I found: 

Cognitive presentation of Multiple Sclerosis: Evidence for a Cortical Variant

In this study, an argument is made for the cortical variant of MS, one that wouldn't be detected by the old EDSS score, one that shows up purely cognitively until quite a ways down the MS trail and sometimes doesn't show physical effects even then. Cortical MS is difficult to find on MRI as the cortex isn't as springy in the MRI and lesions are harder to spot. Hmm. Mine showed up. How big are they anyway? Eeks.

"Although once considered uncommon or late features, cognitive and neuropsychiatric symptoms are now well recognised as early manifestations of multiple sclerosis.1–5 Estimates vary but Lyon-Caen and colleagues reported that 85% of patients with clinically definite multiple sclerosis of less than two years' duration, and 66% of those with only optic neuritis, showed some form of cognitive impairment.6 Similarly, Swingler and Compston7 reported a prevalence of 40% for neuropsychiatric symptoms and signs in 301 patients with established multiple sclerosis during routine clinical interview. Others have since confirmed this observation and reported that the prevalence of symptoms such as memory deficit or depression and focal cortical syndromes was as high as 60%.3–5 "

So, ho ho, I think. Perhaps it's a good thing I keep saving for that home. I may not need it for motoring around, but I may need it for dementia.

My friend and I were joking about how we can't remember things from one computer screen to another - we see something on one window we want to bring to another and then we forget entirely what it was in the millisecond it takes to change pages. 

I started this blog entry from wanting to work on my book; opened my email, saw the entry about Terry Jones, went hunting through research, wrote this and here it is some hours later and no work done on my book.

It is most frustrating. And most annoying, I opened my computer first of all for something that I still can't remember!

At a recent writer's retreat, one of the faculty told us she keeps a blank pad of paper beside her computer and jots down everything she wants to remember. I've gotta start doing that.

Meanwhile, I simply tell people an adaptation of Spike Milligan's poem, There are Holes in the Sky:

There are holes in my brain 
Where the thoughts flow out
If I seem confused
It's cos they're all about...

Image result for holes in brain