Alexithymia in MS - or what am I feeling, anyway?

 Big word. Confusing to pronounce. SO what is it, exactly? 

Alexithymia (/əˌlɛksɪˈθaɪmiə/ ə-LEK-sih-THY-mee-ə), also called emotional blindness, is a neuropsychological phenomenon characterized by significant challenges in recognizing, expressing, and describing one's own emotions. It is associated with difficulties in attachment and interpersonal relations.

It's common in autism, depression, and brain damage. What does it look like?

- inability to identify or describe emotions; mixing up physical sensations and emotions

- difficulty understanding how others feel

- difficulty understanding social cues

- difficulty with self-assessment and introspection

- limited creativity, imagination, and fantasies

- focus on logical and matter-of-fact thinking

From my readings, it's one of those things that are common in MS, along with failing to accurately read facial emotions. (the "mind in the eyes" test).

This explains a lot of my interactions with life. I frequently feel out of step with social cues. Ask me how I feel and I'll struggle to describe it, which makes writing a bit of a challenge. It also explains my shift from creating stories to editing them.

But where it can wreak the most havoc is in relationships with friends, family, partners. How can you be understood if you don't understand yourself? How can you understand others if you are emotion-blind?

There has been a lot of research lately into this aspect of MS, but these are largely small studies and observational - and they say things like, yes, it's linked - but there's no indication of how to work through it, how to improve your emotional view, how to explain it to your near and dear.

There is some help through the already-overtaxed autism resources, as it and autism are buddies. How do you know if you are dealing with it, especially with lack of self-introspection and ability to describe how you feel? 

Well, as you'd suspect, there are helpful online tests! It's listed as an autism test, but this does not mean you have autism, just that the brain damage caused by MS is altering your responses. I found it revealing, if a bit disconcerting. Why not check it out: 

Toronto Alexithymia Scale

If nothing else, you can take it to your health care provider or show to your family to illustrate what you are dealing with. And in terms of working on things to make relationships better, it's a good place to start. 

We can all do with a bit more self-awareness, right?

Well, at least I can.