March 19, 2009
The numbness of MS is an odd thing - I can still move, still (mostly) organize my limbs to head to their appointed places, although the leg numbness is a more functional lack. I feel mentally numb, too, buffered from life, insulated from things. Part of it is most likely a self-preservation response to a life crisis - I know my crisis isn't as bad as some have, but it is a total annihilation for me, in so many ways. My world map has changed irretrievably and I'm lost. It would be terrifying if I allowed myself to feel it fully.
I'll have to peel off the layers of mental and emotional numbness, but it isn't easy. It involves grieving, and feeling totally shitty for hours and having eyeballs puffed up and leaky. It also involves physical activity, one of the things that makes me more aware of my physical space, my body, my self. That's not going to be easy, either, with a body that thinks walking across the room is quite enough for one day, thanks.
Had a talk with a good friend last night, who, although he has his own issues, also sees mine with unusual clarity. He laid some home truths on me, as it were, and my head is spinning.
But I'm bored with myself, bored with self-analysis. I don't want to look anymore into the pit that once was me. Usually, when I feel this way, I do something, anything, to end the numbness and distract myself from it - eat fudge, drink wine, take a man to bed. This time, I'm going to use the numbness as a tool, to guide me, and write my boredom with myself out.