April 1, 2009


"They" say the best revenge is living well.
I've been thinking revenge-ful thoughts lately and they are both refreshing to daydream about and somewhat sad in reality.
You see, living well is not really an option for me. I can live happily; I can live thinking of joy; I can nap freely (part of the MS so not really as much of a treat as one would wish!), but reality is not so much of the living "well" thing, more of the living "poor but cheerfully" thing. You see, they still haven't figured out my EI. So no money for DA. And I'm still not better, although I look wonderfully rested and plump enough to cook from enforced inactivity. I popped in to work today and honestly did not feel the tug, the need to be there, the need to be important there. I am already redefining where I need to be important, what I need to do to make life worth living. I have my plots for volunteering and I vow that if my house sells I will get myself to Kingston ASAP and help out where I can, finally free to help as I wished but couldn't do while working.
Of course, I beat myself up about my shallowness about not volunteering before, not realizing the fatigue I was feeling was part of this disease....
Today, though, I thought I might feel a bit of joy about a wee push of revenge (a cheery smile and hello) towards someone who had treated me badly at work. Instead, I felt sorry for the guy, trapped like the cat in an uncomfortable cage of his own devising. I could fly away, like the bird, smaller, maybe less significant, but so much happier. Even if my wings are weak, and I fly into a wall - at least I get the chance to spread those wings.

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