May 6, 2009

Whoops! Or is that Hmmm...

Every once and awhile I think I really am fine, that there isn't really much wrong with me that a few years sleep won't cure.
And then I pop into work.
And I realize that people thought I was losing it way before I did. That my brain was misfiring for longer than I thought, that I said and did things that I no longer remember that offended some, created pity in others. That people thought my job was too difficult for me, in fact for anyone.
And I don't know if that's because it really was all that difficult (it was pretty busy) or if it was just me and my brain holes that caused the problem. So then I wonder - have I been acceptable to other people? How much hurt have I unwittingly wrought? How impossible have I been, really?
And then I want to curl up in my little hole and pull the door in around me, shutting out the world that apparently feels I am unstable, unpredictable, unreliable. It kills me.
And I try and learn something new and it doesn't stick, but slides to the floor, unrecognized and unmissed.
But, like the lass who is remaining plump in case she gets anything like a serious illness and needs it for strength, at least I've bolstered my brain and have some grey cells to spare. I think. If I can only keep them from leaking out of my mouth....

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