May 15, 2009

Try a little tenderness....

I'm a single woman, divorced for the last couple of years....When I first received my diagnosis one of the thoughts that ran through my head was: "No one will want me now....I will always be alone..." I thought idly of surfing MS websites, checking for hot dates who also had MS, thinking they at least would accept the unpredictable bundle of neurons I was becoming.
One of my friends immediately started trying to caregive, intruding into my life as a person with MS, and I realized that I couldn't bear that, that this was my disease to live through. In my mind, I decided to mentally shut everyone out, plan to be alone during the worst bits, hide from friends until I felt healed, only show the strong side of me, joke about everything so no one would seriously worry about me. I didn't want people to use this to take power over me.
Lately, though, people have been lovely to me. They reach out to me, they treat me kindly. My little town has taken me under it's communal wing, and I can feel them wanting me to stay here, wishing me well.
One person has diligently warmed me, allowing me to open out and trust a bit in a relationship, carefully, always afraid he will hurt me or abandon me as has happened before with others. He's persistent, and despite my sending him away, he has waited patiently for me. He knows what to expect, but he seems to care for me anyway.
His tenderness awes me. I am touched, deeply.
While I don't know how things will go in the long term for me and my friend, all I can say is that I wish for everyone out there that has MS to find someone who sees the you outside the disease, willingly accomodates your limitations, and brings you close.
And for those of you who haven't found them yet, here is a tight, warm hug from me, from my healing heart.

1 comment:

mary said...

That sounds lovely,one day at a time.
I wish you all the best with evry part of your journey.