May 19, 2009

waving goodbye

The title of this picture is "A bearded lady waving goodbye" - only my friends know how true this image is...;-)
Today I am waving goodbye to my dreams to my hopes to a friend to the image I still try vainly to keep in my mind of myself as healthy.
I had hoped to go on a camping trip to my beloved Maritimes. Made plans, got all excited, ignored naysayers.
There's no way I can do it - after one day of activities, I am knackered, so exhausted that I have to lie down for 12 hours or more while my body twitches and groans, spasms and creeps. It is crazy making and insane that I should have descended so far into disability so quickly - in 18 months I have gone from a woman who spent an hour in the gym pushing past sweat to absolute shimmering to a woman who has to consider whether today will be a day I can walk the mile around my town.
I'm still completely, utterly numb, from my tongue to my nethers. I'm losing my ability to hold onto things with my right hand. And I am looking more and more drunken when I walk. And summer, and its draining heat, hasn't even hit yet.
How does one retain enthusiasm for the shots I give myself every day, when they appear to do nothing? How do I commit myself to something, anything, if I have no idea how I will be functioning day to day?
And how can I be in a relationship with anyone when my body turns traitor so quickly?
Still figuring out the borders to my new life. They are cloudy and move a lot. I guess I'll just continue to live as I always have - few plans, just stroll into the future and take the best out of it I can.

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