Word Salad, Or gazing through a diver's mask...

The other night I headed out for dinner with some friends despite my feeling of overwhelming fatigue after the holiday. I was glad I had a sweetie to drive me because for most of the evening I felt as if I was wearing a diver's mask - one of those ones where you can just see out a tiny glass screen, while the rest of your head is surrounded with copper. I couldn't understand my voice level - I was sure I was shouting and kept trying to bring my voice down. I have no memory about our conversation; I barely remember what we ate except that it was delicious and so is stuck in my sensory memory. All the time I spoke I felt like I'd been heavily into the wine - my mouth needed thought to form words and they seemed to come out mushy and drunken.  Muscles for speech were sluggish and sullen.
We staggered home - me tacking heavily to the right and left (again, thank heavens I wasn't driving) and I fell into bed to sleep for 12 hours straight.
It's probably the worst I've been cognitively for some time, and reminded me of how I felt after a couple of days at work. It amazes me I was even able to show up. Small wonder I seemed like an idiot to others, or a grump, or a bitch. Who knew what my voice was doing? Or my mouth? I certainly didn't. I feel like I should apologize to everyone.

Whoops! Or is that Hmmm...

Every once and awhile I think I really am fine, that there isn't really much wrong with me that a few years sleep won't cure.
And then I pop into work.
And I realize that people thought I was losing it way before I did. That my brain was misfiring for longer than I thought, that I said and did things that I no longer remember that offended some, created pity in others. That people thought my job was too difficult for me, in fact for anyone.
And I don't know if that's because it really was all that difficult (it was pretty busy) or if it was just me and my brain holes that caused the problem. So then I wonder - have I been acceptable to other people? How much hurt have I unwittingly wrought? How impossible have I been, really?
And then I want to curl up in my little hole and pull the door in around me, shutting out the world that apparently feels I am unstable, unpredictable, unreliable. It kills me.
And I try and learn something new and it doesn't stick, but slides to the floor, unrecognized and unmissed.
Horrifying.
But, like the lass who is remaining plump in case she gets anything like a serious illness and needs it for strength, at least I've bolstered my brain and have some grey cells to spare. I think. If I can only keep them from leaking out of my mouth....