Sometimes, the envy of the fit overcomes me. I am bitter, yes. About many things - the military lifestyle with my ex that had me locked in part-time casual jobs for years and years, that made me complete graduate courses in isolation, in fact, live in isolation. Then I started full time work and within a few years had created a niche for myself where I was respected, recruited, wanted for projects, information, research, everything. In 10 years of work I was within reach of executive director positions. And then MS pulled that support out from under me. So now I get to be poor, disabled, alone, tired beyond all reason, in pain, isolated. It is intensely frustrating.
Most days I can grin and bear it, decide to enjoy what life I have left. But every once and awhile, when others jet set about, or casually speak of purchasing yet another computer or car, or complain about being able only to put $800 per month in their RRSP, or when I hear about others in loving supportive relationships, I get consumed with envy and bitterness. Because all that COULD have been mine if I'd married differently, if I'd insisted on my right to develop, if I'd had the spine to push more, if I'd had any guidance or help at any time.
The only time I had such guidance was when I lived in Nova Scotia and had a lovely group of Women friends. They made me feel valued for the first time in my life. And they gave me the strength to push, for the first time. I honor and love these women and I have just got to go see them again.
Oh, and now that my kids, the wonderful people that came from my marriage and my only happy thought about it, are grown up, they offer me advice and support - sometimes wanted, sometimes not, but usually right on the money. They are fantastic individuals and I'm proud to know them. So maybe it all worked out all right after all.