July 19, 2009

It's a puzzlement...

as Yul Brynner as the King of Siam would say...
I feel completely discombobulated, lost, at sea. I've been packing up my house, getting ready for my move to Ottawa, and I feel like a blind person after the furniture has been moved. There is less STUFF about me, all of it tidily in boxes (or most of it anyway), but I feel at a total loss with what to do with myself. My interests have been packed. My big computer is in the shop, being antivirused. My leased car has gone back to its home, leaving me with an old vehicle that has been wandering the world in the caring but not maintenance focused hands of my ex and my son.
All of this change has created another mess of anomie. I can't seem to keep my thoughts straight, can't focus on what remains to be done. I forget to eat, snatching cheese on a fly by the fridge..cookies on a fly by the cupboard. Real food tastes alien. It could be another flare up, recovering from the past busy weeks, or maybe not having my stuff about it confusing me. Or maybe it's the endless rain and grey skies of this non-summer that is messing with my head - every time the sun comes out I get busy looking for things to do outside, then the clouds are back before I get out there!
In any case, I can feel my neurons shortcircuiting. I need rest. Lots of rest.But first I just have to do these few more things......

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