July 30, 2009


"I'm trapped in a self-activating engine that evolves and seeks decay." Sabri Hakim
Well, aren't we all, really?
I'm plotting my evolution over the next while after I move to the big city, where opportunities abound for physical exercise, arts, pottery, jewelry making, mind expansion...while recognizing the way my body is seeking decay.
Can I sign up for cross-country skiing lessons now, in the summer, not knowing how I will be in January, if I will be able to walk, let alone ski in January?
Today, walking home, my right foot tripped me several times on the uneven pavement. One time I nearly tipped forward into a fall, even with my cane. How fast the decay? I don't know.
Can I sign up for hand building pottery, or will my hands be too weak to press the clay into shape? Will they spasm with pain after each session, or will it strengthen them? I don't have any idea.
Can I not sign up for these things and concede defeat? I don't think so. I hate being defeated.

I think, as always, I'll plunge forward, grabbing life with both hands, pulling on it hard and hoping I can hang on.
I'll sign up and activate myself, lest I perish in an explosion of boredom and self-pity.
But I'll know that I may not be able to hang on, for all that I want to. Sometimes, despite myself, the grip fails, and things drop to the floor.
It's not defeat, really. It's just winning the alternative. Right?

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