Cheeriness, or how not to constantly spit

Today I arrived at church with my dress on inside out. I knew it was a bad day, that I wasn't fully functional, but that's the first time that had happened.
Totally shrinkingly embarassing. So I laughed and made light of it, joked about my drunken walk to communion (my balance is off, too) but one has to wonder what people think.
Sigh.
So  try to laugh and be amusing but inside I am curling into myself and wishing I could vanish.
I'm just waiting for the moment I become incontinent and don't realize it. Hoo hah.
But I'm sure I'll make a joke out of it.

Danger, Will Robinson!

The other day, I headed out to get in my car and drive to an appointment.  I pushed the usual button on the elevator, rode down, and when the door opened, I had no idea at all where I was, or why I was on that particular floor.  I froze, not knowing.  I backed up into the elevator, looked at the buttons uncomprehendingly.  My building is a bit confusing in that the front door is on the second floor; the ground floor is #1 and leads to the garage and laundry room and a street exit. But I've lived here for 21/2 years. It should be fairly second nature to me.
I panicked a bit. Just a little, in a sort of wtf way. Shook my head and decided to try going down the hallway - and once I had walked about ten steps, it became clear where I was.
It's one of the few times I've had that experience. The other brain things that happen are forgetting the names of people I've known for years, losing any concept of numbers, gradually losing everything around my apartment.
Right now my place is a mess, with way too much stuff piled around in messy heaps because I am trying to clear everything out I do not need and reduce my moving costs.
I feel as if my brain is floating rather unattached. Perhaps it's just this that has me confused. I hope so!
Danger! Danger!

The global view

I've always prided myself on my ability to scan information and grasp the big picture - like a hawk circling on high, I always seemed to be able to see patterns and goals and obstacles clearly.
This just isn't working any more for me.
It's come on slowly, sneakily.  First, I've lost the ability to read medical studies and grasp them without several go-overs. Now I find it harder and harder to see patterns in Scrabble or to figure out spatial problems or see things in a holistic way. Driving becomes a series of small steps, trying to organize my finances slips away.  It's not that I'm becoming senile or anything, I think.  I just seem to have a bit of a traffic snarl in the part of my brain that follows patterns through.
On the good side, I forget stories that I've read almost immediately, so I can reread them again and again. On the bad side, I have 40 packages of spaghetti in my cupboard. I know I should make a list. But that's admitting there's a problem.
I find it frustrating to be losing my analytical ability, my big picture thinking, my sense of global understanding. Of course, maybe I was just fooling myself that I had those abilities, but my degrees say no...
Practically speaking, maybe it means I should concentrate on short stories instead of novels for writing, focus on simpler tasks, do brain training, keep up with the exercise. All I know is that the thought of ever having to manage a workday again seems impossible. How would I keep track of all the things I had to do?
Oh, and also on the positive side, my wobblies are back, so I have the advantage of looking vaguely drunk if I don't concentrate on walking. Saves on actually having to buy the booze!

I'm exercising doc, honest!

Brain Fitness Software Improves Cognitive Function in Multiple Sclerosis Patients Submitted by Denise Reynolds RD on 2010, March 18 - 14:53 All about: Brain & Nervous System 3Share Cognitive dysfunction is a common, often scary, symptom of Multiple Sclerosis. Cognitive evaluation techniques and neurorehabilitation studies have been used to greatly improve the dysfunction. A new brain fitness software by CogniFit Inc. May help improve cognitive function and skills of multiple sclerosis patients. Multiple Sclerosis (MS) is a chronic inflammatory disease that causes lesions in the brain and nervous system. It is reported that about 50% of people with MS admit to experiencing cognitive problems, such as the ability to pay attention, learn and remember information, solve problems, and use language to express ideas. Mood disorders and depression are also common which can exacerbate the cognition process. Some of the specific cognitive deficits observed in people with MS are: • Memory Dysfunction. This is the most commonly reported cognitive dysfunction in MS and occurs in 20 to 44% of people with MS. The type of memory deficit most often reported is free recall of recently learned material. Free recall is the ability to get to a memory instantly. • Verbal fluency is affected in some people with MS whereas verbal comprehension appears undamaged. Verbal fluency deficits usually take the form of slowed free recall of words that describe concepts and less often words that name objects. • Cognitive Fatigue. On average, people with MS tire more quickly during psychological tests. Patients appear to lose the ability to hold attention for a long period of time. • Impaired Planning Ability. One study reported that 40% of people with MS are less able to plan things than healthy controls. The independent study, published in the journal NeuroRehabilitation, found that CogniFit Personal Coach brain training software resulted in a significant improvement in 10 fundamental cognitive skills. Memory skill showed the greatest improvement, with a general increase of 21%. Visual working memory and verbal-auditory working memory improved by 20%. Other skills that showed improvement included naming speed, speed of object recall, focused attention, visuo-motor attention, and visual spatial working memory. Patients with MS can also use other techniques to help cope with cognitive dysfunction and memory loss: • Write everything down. Keep a diary, organizer, or notebook handy to make lists. Keep one calendar for all appointments and reminders of special days or tasks. • Organize the environment so things remain in familiar places, such as a fixed spot for car keys. Encourage all members of the household to do the same. • With communication, ask people to keep directions and instructions simple. Carry on conversations in a quiet place to minimize distractions and maintain eye contact. Repeat information to ensure it was heard correctly. • Keep the mind fit by doing puzzles, problem-solving games, etc.

It's a puzzlement...

as Yul Brynner as the King of Siam would say...
I feel completely discombobulated, lost, at sea. I've been packing up my house, getting ready for my move to Ottawa, and I feel like a blind person after the furniture has been moved. There is less STUFF about me, all of it tidily in boxes (or most of it anyway), but I feel at a total loss with what to do with myself. My interests have been packed. My big computer is in the shop, being antivirused. My leased car has gone back to its home, leaving me with an old vehicle that has been wandering the world in the caring but not maintenance focused hands of my ex and my son.
All of this change has created another mess of anomie. I can't seem to keep my thoughts straight, can't focus on what remains to be done. I forget to eat, snatching cheese on a fly by the fridge..cookies on a fly by the cupboard. Real food tastes alien. It could be another flare up, recovering from the past busy weeks, or maybe not having my stuff about it confusing me. Or maybe it's the endless rain and grey skies of this non-summer that is messing with my head - every time the sun comes out I get busy looking for things to do outside, then the clouds are back before I get out there!
In any case, I can feel my neurons shortcircuiting. I need rest. Lots of rest.But first I just have to do these few more things......