Mad Sow, Mad Cow

Some of you blog readers may wonder why I refer to the blog as "Musings of a Mad Sow". No, I don't think of myself as an angry pig, though, honestly, if I gain any more weight...
No, it's all about Denny Crane on Boston Legal. Right before I was diagnosed, I got hooked on the show, particularly enjoying when Denny would say something completely irrational and then gesture to his head and say, "Mad Cow", as if that explained everything.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zz0H-Py2rjc&feature=related

One of the signs of MS in me was the loss of the barrier between my interior and exterior monologue. You know, that inner voice that says inside your head, "This guy is a jerk", while on the outside you smile sweetly and say all the right things.
I was in management, so my straight talking almost led to me being escorted off the property
It was quite agonizing, really. I'd realize that my mouth and brain had betrayed me and try to retrieve or patch things up, but often it was simply too late. So, since MS had the right initials, I decided to try to redirect my mouth by pointing to my head and saying "Mad Sow".
Oh how I wish it would work.
For the most part, now that I am less stressed and have slept adequately, my mouth is under better control, but it's not anywhere near perfect. I am much more intolerant of foolishness than I used to be formerly and need to remind myself that being part of any bureaucracy is NOT a good plan. And yet somehow I keep ending up being part of them.
And my mad sow keeps putting her little hooflet in.
Like many of us with invisible disease, my physical symptoms are small - except for numbness and an inability to walk further than a block or so. But the mental ones are glaring, at least to me.
I was "gently reared" as they say, and I cringe at being thought rude. My dad didn't raise me that way. But wherever those lesions nestle, they've liberated my tongue and tied up my Miss Manners. Maybe I need to follow that old African tale and dig a hole and yell my true feelings into it. Maybe then the sow would be appeased.

http://www.documentingreality.com/forum/f2/post-picture-angry-pig-72235/index3.html

Somehow I doubt it.

I'm exercising doc, honest!

Brain Fitness Software Improves Cognitive Function in Multiple Sclerosis Patients Submitted by Denise Reynolds RD on 2010, March 18 - 14:53 All about: Brain & Nervous System 3Share Cognitive dysfunction is a common, often scary, symptom of Multiple Sclerosis. Cognitive evaluation techniques and neurorehabilitation studies have been used to greatly improve the dysfunction. A new brain fitness software by CogniFit Inc. May help improve cognitive function and skills of multiple sclerosis patients. Multiple Sclerosis (MS) is a chronic inflammatory disease that causes lesions in the brain and nervous system. It is reported that about 50% of people with MS admit to experiencing cognitive problems, such as the ability to pay attention, learn and remember information, solve problems, and use language to express ideas. Mood disorders and depression are also common which can exacerbate the cognition process. Some of the specific cognitive deficits observed in people with MS are: • Memory Dysfunction. This is the most commonly reported cognitive dysfunction in MS and occurs in 20 to 44% of people with MS. The type of memory deficit most often reported is free recall of recently learned material. Free recall is the ability to get to a memory instantly. • Verbal fluency is affected in some people with MS whereas verbal comprehension appears undamaged. Verbal fluency deficits usually take the form of slowed free recall of words that describe concepts and less often words that name objects. • Cognitive Fatigue. On average, people with MS tire more quickly during psychological tests. Patients appear to lose the ability to hold attention for a long period of time. • Impaired Planning Ability. One study reported that 40% of people with MS are less able to plan things than healthy controls. The independent study, published in the journal NeuroRehabilitation, found that CogniFit Personal Coach brain training software resulted in a significant improvement in 10 fundamental cognitive skills. Memory skill showed the greatest improvement, with a general increase of 21%. Visual working memory and verbal-auditory working memory improved by 20%. Other skills that showed improvement included naming speed, speed of object recall, focused attention, visuo-motor attention, and visual spatial working memory. Patients with MS can also use other techniques to help cope with cognitive dysfunction and memory loss: • Write everything down. Keep a diary, organizer, or notebook handy to make lists. Keep one calendar for all appointments and reminders of special days or tasks. • Organize the environment so things remain in familiar places, such as a fixed spot for car keys. Encourage all members of the household to do the same. • With communication, ask people to keep directions and instructions simple. Carry on conversations in a quiet place to minimize distractions and maintain eye contact. Repeat information to ensure it was heard correctly. • Keep the mind fit by doing puzzles, problem-solving games, etc.

"First things first, but not necessarily in that order." Dr. Who

It's funny how the brain works.

Got my MRI results last week. Apparently all is stable, the two black holes I have are small (the concept of any still fills me with an unnatural fear that all of my brain is going to be sucked into them - I mean, couldn't they come up with another term for these areas of permanently dead tissue?), and there is no sign of active disease in the form of glowing lesions. This is all good news. My increasing leg symptoms are due to the old lesion on my spinal column and some spinal compression located right around it (how convenient - sheesh!) and there is not much they can do about this.

Anyway, filled with so much relief that I am actually not shifted into progressive MS, I immediately started exercising like a madwoman and followed that up with a rash of job applications. Of course I still can't see when I am tired, and I tend to burst into tears when challenged, but heck, bring it on!

I feel as if my life could have meaning again.

In the cold clear light of day, it occurs to me it probably wasn't wise to apply for the full-time management position. But heck - the lure of money was intoxicating, especially after arguing with my ex over whether he had any responsibility to look after the kids now that they were over 18. We differ on this and it is at these times that I vow I will have money again, if only to help the kids out. And the job was the kind that would use all of my experiences and the wisdom I gained through working through this diagnosis. I'm much more patient now, less snarky, less prone to judge. Few things seem as momentously important as they did before, and my experience at the hands of the health care system leads me to believe there is too much that needs fixing, right down the line, for me to fix it. I've learned that your heart may be willing, but other factors may make things impossible. I've learned that bureaucracy is an output of the banality of evil, that people use it to dilute responsibility, but also to ensure that things are done according to plan, reducing the risk of abuse. (While also freezing the system dead.) I can deal with it now, having wrestled with it in the past. I am filled with the patience needed to cope with line-ups, bad meals, octopus-like paper trails, snarling service people. I've learned the value of a smile at difficult moments, a pocket with enough to share, a touch, even if you can't feel it.

Of course, I'm dreamin'.

I couldn't work full time. I am only so mellow because I can rest when I need to, organize my day according to my state of mind and body. It's hard to be reasonable when pain is shooting up your face, and your leg is dancing solos, you can't see for the fuzziness creeping in from the outside, you feel incontinence coming over you like a wave, and you can't think of words to say to save your life.

But for a mad, wild, free moment after hearing about my MRI, I pretended it would all go away. I like these journeys into a fantasy world with no MS. It's like when I heard about CCSVI, and thought briefly, fleetingly, about being healthy again, and what that would mean. At both times, I became almost irrational in my hope. Now, as my legs jump about more and more, and as it becomes apparent that CCSVI may not "liberate" MS Sufferers as well as they hoped, rationality eases over my brain.

It's funny, but I can still write, like today, when my mouth is not working. Perhaps that's a sign.