Driving just isn't the thrill it used to be - or maybe it's a thrill in a different way, rather

When my dad was dying of cancer, he was pretty drugged up. I remember looking at the bottles of opiates and pain killers of a variety of sorts piled on the kitchen table, and seeing him choke down handfuls of them to keep away the endless pain he suffered.  Then he'd get into his car and drive. It was terrifying but in reality, he still drove pretty well. I'm certain he was impaired, but he'd driven in the area for so many years that it was almost automatic.  The big risk was from unexpected events. I sat very quiet when he drove and tried not to be distracting...but he just didn't want to give it up.  For him it was freedom, life, a sign he still was who he had been.
 My MS is starting to affect my driving.  Part of it is the lack of familiarity of the roads around here, some of it is a leftover from an optic neuritis bout, some of it is my distractability, and I'll bet the GPS lady isn't really helping, either. I need to get a more global view of Halifax/Dartmouth rather than the tiny view in the GPS window. But it's a bit scary. And I hate the thought of losing an ability to drive.  Like my dad, it's part of my identity. I drive well, overall. I like being able to just take off if I want to. I like the idea of the convenience, the help for me and my difficulty walking, the sweetness of not having to carry piles of groceries from pillar to post.
But my life is getting limited. Tonight, for example, I was supposed to go out - but it is raining, and I know the roads will be covered with shine and glare when dark, and I can't handle all that visual input and drive at the same time.  It is totally overwhelming. And dangerous. So I'm staying in.
At least til I get my new glasses. And the ON calms down. Then we'll see. As it were.  Because I don't want to give it up.  Not yet.

The global view

I've always prided myself on my ability to scan information and grasp the big picture - like a hawk circling on high, I always seemed to be able to see patterns and goals and obstacles clearly.
This just isn't working any more for me.
It's come on slowly, sneakily.  First, I've lost the ability to read medical studies and grasp them without several go-overs. Now I find it harder and harder to see patterns in Scrabble or to figure out spatial problems or see things in a holistic way. Driving becomes a series of small steps, trying to organize my finances slips away.  It's not that I'm becoming senile or anything, I think.  I just seem to have a bit of a traffic snarl in the part of my brain that follows patterns through.
On the good side, I forget stories that I've read almost immediately, so I can reread them again and again. On the bad side, I have 40 packages of spaghetti in my cupboard. I know I should make a list. But that's admitting there's a problem.
I find it frustrating to be losing my analytical ability, my big picture thinking, my sense of global understanding. Of course, maybe I was just fooling myself that I had those abilities, but my degrees say no...
Practically speaking, maybe it means I should concentrate on short stories instead of novels for writing, focus on simpler tasks, do brain training, keep up with the exercise. All I know is that the thought of ever having to manage a workday again seems impossible. How would I keep track of all the things I had to do?
Oh, and also on the positive side, my wobblies are back, so I have the advantage of looking vaguely drunk if I don't concentrate on walking. Saves on actually having to buy the booze!

Fear and trembling

Sometimes the fear of this disease makes me feel trapped, makes me want to run away as fast as I can from everything, everyone. It's scary as hell to think about what very well might be. Although I still look fine on the outside, I am completely numb. I have difficulty with crowded rooms, multiple tasks, focusing on conversations, listening, completing things, walking, seeing, making good decisions, controlling emotions, managing finances. I've stopped playing the piano and the viola because there is never any progress, and my writing is suffering because there are never any ideas.
Emotional stress kills me; physical stress exhausts me. And yet on I go, one foot after another, one situation after another.
I am superficially gregarious, cheerful, and motivated. Internally I want to curl up in a ball and die. I'm such a chicken! The thought of being incontinent, dealing with cramping and spasms and pain and falling and visual problems and all that terrifies me. Especially as I have had significant losses in the past year and they ARE NOT GOING AWAY.
And then I read this article about driving and MS. And I realize I am in fact showing signs of losing abilities in driving - I've noticed for a while that I have troubles driving at night, in traffic, when distracted, to new places. I am ever so subtly avoiding these things but what this means is that my world is pulling in around me tighter. Living in the country makes it better and worse - better cos there are few traffic issues, worse because when it is dark out, it is very very dark out, and I have to drive everywhere. Losing my driving ability here would mean complete isolation and dependency.
So I am panicking - quietly and internally but panicking none the less. And praying I don't make bad decisions because of this panic.