February 16, 2009
Fear and trembling
Sometimes the fear of this disease makes me feel trapped, makes me want to run away as fast as I can from everything, everyone. It's scary as hell to think about what very well might be. Although I still look fine on the outside, I am completely numb. I have difficulty with crowded rooms, multiple tasks, focusing on conversations, listening, completing things, walking, seeing, making good decisions, controlling emotions, managing finances. I've stopped playing the piano and the viola because there is never any progress, and my writing is suffering because there are never any ideas.
Emotional stress kills me; physical stress exhausts me. And yet on I go, one foot after another, one situation after another.
I am superficially gregarious, cheerful, and motivated. Internally I want to curl up in a ball and die. I'm such a chicken! The thought of being incontinent, dealing with cramping and spasms and pain and falling and visual problems and all that terrifies me. Especially as I have had significant losses in the past year and they ARE NOT GOING AWAY.
And then I read this article about driving and MS. And I realize I am in fact showing signs of losing abilities in driving - I've noticed for a while that I have troubles driving at night, in traffic, when distracted, to new places. I am ever so subtly avoiding these things but what this means is that my world is pulling in around me tighter. Living in the country makes it better and worse - better cos there are few traffic issues, worse because when it is dark out, it is very very dark out, and I have to drive everywhere. Losing my driving ability here would mean complete isolation and dependency.
So I am panicking - quietly and internally but panicking none the less. And praying I don't make bad decisions because of this panic.