September 4, 2009

Sleep, glorious sleep....

The MS fatigue is unusual. It makes me believe that Epstein-Barr virus is a cause, because when it hits it is like having mono all over again. It is total, blinding, encapsulating. I shopped yesterday, but was totally unaware of my surroundings, like walking through fog. I ate yesterday, but tasted nothing. I spoke, but made no sense. I moved, but have no body recall. I could not see through the greyness around my eyes. It is really quite a dangerous state, as I am only halfway present, and probably prone to walking into speeding cars, putting my hand on burning elements, etc.
I am, quite frankly, not all there.
Yesterday was stellar. So murky, I felt wraithlike, except for the pain. Which accompanies the fatigue. Probably a good thing, as it makes me less likely to move, thus keeping me from speeding cars, etc., above.
The day passed. I did some things. I don't know what. And I slept, a deep sinking sleep, drowning in unconsciousness, hours passing without note. I slept all afternoon, all evening, and until 9:30 this morning.
The pain is mostly gone.
But I could sleep.....
Dang. I was doing so well. So I did my usual thing - I overcommitted and did too much. When I feel good, I forget I have limitations. It's a good thing as when I don't forget them, I feel a wee bit despairing.
There is really no predicting when the fatigue is going to hit, except that the day before it hits I get a zinging feeling through my body, a jangling of nerves that makes me feel overcaffeinated, slightly disconnected, twitchy. Resting then won't keep it away, but at least I can better prepare for it.
It's adjusting to it every time that is so heartbreaking. My mind refuses to accept that everything, everything, has changed.
On the positive side, it also has its joys. Today, I woke up pain free. There is nothing to compare with the joy of that respite.

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