October 28, 2009

Chewing on aggravation

I am feeling testy, or rather, close to royally pissed.
First, I call "Service Canada" after their threatening letter about my CPP stuff - which I sent them yonks ago and which was screwed up due to their staff's stupidity, so I have to settle it again - and they talk to me like it is all my fault for being a lazy so and so and why HAVEN'T I got those forms in yet, despite moving, errors, MS and all that.... Grrr.

And then there's the having to rent a car so I can get to a doc appointment 2 hours away so he can sign the forms that declare me disabled STILL for a disease that is never going to go away and seems never to be getting better, but I must verify it with my doc every three months notwithstanding this and I still don't have a doc in my new town...

Then I keep running into people who minimize what I am going through, tell me to cheer up, remind me that after all I could be hit by a bus tomorrow (you know who you are) which I KNOW is meant to be comforting, but which has the effect of making me feel my current, very real difficulties are of no matter whatsoever. Yeah, I sure as hell know it COULD be worse. That doesn't mean it isn't pretty bad right now. Of course, no one can see the pain I deal with, or the muscle spasms, or the discussions I have with my bladder, or the fatigue that pushes its way into my consciousness all the time, rendering me speechless.

I knew one fellow who told me I should be rejoicing in my "Freedom-50" - not having to go to work - when really I'd work in a salt mine if I didn't have to deal with this thing and live in ever increasing poverty...

And then there's just real life annoying me - huge bank charges, the cost of a good bar of chocolate, you know. The stuff everyone has to deal with.

Maybe it's cos I've lightened my antidepressant. You see, I was unable to cry. I know this seems like a good thing, but it's one thing to not want to cry, and it's a completely other thing to want to cry and be unable to. It's all part of the numbness (which, I might add, has become totally encompassing again now, making me want to fling myself against hard objects just so I can feel something, anything, other than the interior muscle pain that exists related to nothing). I can't bear it anymore. I need to sense something. So I'm cutting back, and the result is that I don't go around with beatific smiles (which, frankly, were beginning to freak me out) all the time. Now when I smile, I mean it, and it's not just some sweet nimbus-type glow.

Maybe I won't be so endearingly pleasant all the time. This probably isn't a good thing. And maybe I'm in a mood just cos I went to a MS Society thing last night and saw....and became afraid.

Life sucks. And then you don't die. And it sucks forthwith.
Okay, enough grumping. I'm off to do something practical and giving and sensible - volunteering. I'll be better soon. Sometimes, though, I should be allowed to be grumpy, pissed off, annoyed at this turn of events.

1 comment:

Travelogue for the Universe said...

Stevie Ray Vaughn sang, "Every tear that I cried washed away the fears inside." I believe in crying and have been exercising the tear ducts lately.
Best wishes on your bureaucratic nightmare. I work in VT state government and hand out forms like Hallowee'en candy.Mary