November 4, 2009

Some days you're the tire, some days you're the road

I am so sorry to whine, but for the last month or more, I've felt just like the poor mouse in this picture, shaken back and forth by my MSCat. It just won't let me go, and plays with me and tosses me between its paws and chases me when I think I've got away for a bit.

I can hear it purring with the enjoyment it's having with me.

Last night, in amongst my leg hiccups (back in full glory, darn it), I felt something new - the teeth of the MS, as it bit on my leg. The touch of the sheet was agony. Liquid fire burned up and down my right leg, causing me to gasp out loud. All of my nerves were agitated, so that the touch of a hand was an acute irritant. Even the gentle, caring touch of a dear friend.

Sometimes, I can pull it together for short periods and seem almost fine. I can laugh, chat along with the rest of them, go to events, make love, eat foods that require chewing.

But EVERY TIME, I have to pay for it. EVERY f*^&^%*ng time. After every fun day, I have days of exhaustion and pain. After every laugh, I have a moment of sorrow.
It's almost enough to make a gal give up and decide just to sit about and watch reality TV, especially on days like today when my brain is fine but the rest of me, from my throat on down, wants to pack up and go to Bermuda - and you know what? I'd send it, if I could. Even for five minutes.

Unfortunately they are connected, my mind and body. And the final laugh is that my mind is what is wrecking my body, as it degrades. It's all so ironic, for the gal who spent a lifetime working on her mind...

On the good side, whatever wrecks things in my brains also makes me appreciate the wrecking, like the mouse admiring the artistry of the cat as it tosses her up and down, catches her by the tail, whips her about in glee. We are marvelous things, hunters and hunted.

So for today, I'll watch and admire the killing dance. Tomorrow, I'll try to escape again. After all, the cat expects it.

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