August 10, 2009

Success and failure

Ferris Bueller famously said, “Life moves pretty fast. [If] you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”
Usually, I feel like a winner. Despite the MS, or even because of it, I feel I have succeeded in life so far, that I still have something to offer, that I am valuable as I am.
Today hasn't been good for that.
My new bathroom has mirrors hung at the level of my too large tummy, got that way through depression eating and not enough exercise. This morning's shower was a bit alarming. I am quite quite good at lying to myself, and I had told myself I couldn't possibly have gained enough weight to look like this. Hmm. Note to self: lights OFF for next bedroom encounter. All of them. And stop wandering about the apartment in the nude.

Then I (dressed) went to sit outside with my breakfast on my comfortingly noisy balcony (I can't get over how much I am enjoying traffic noise!), and, carrying my coffee and healthy cereal the ten feet to the balcony proved too much for me, as my ankle had different thoughts. It thought lying down would be best. Since I have no feeling or proprioceptive imagery in my feet, it took me a fraction longer than it should have to self-correct. I flew a bit. The coffee flew a bit more. My healthy cereal, laden down with helpful healthy fibre, stayed relatively put.
And, since I'm tired and living among far too many collapsed boxes and mess, this all spiraled into a shortish, brutish talk with myself about the levels of failure this MS has forced me into. Oh, how annoying.
I hate when I get this way, and so does my universe. Messages start popping up everywhere I go, from an article in the Walrus about Alice Munro, to a Facebook posting about John Hughes, about the importance of believing in your purpose and working towards it. Even my horoscope told me to stop being so hard on myself.
Well, far be it from me to doubt these messages from the ether. So I'm taking a day off from self-judgment and instead focusing on creating beauty (and softer corners) all around me.
Oh, and washing the carpet.

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