August 18, 2011
Swing low, sweet chariot...
I find myself oversensitive, tired of speaking to people, yet hungry for company and distraction. My body aches. I want chocolate but can't taste it. I want wine, but it has no flavour.
It would all make me quite desperate except that I know it's just another sneak attack from the MS - I've been having more difficulty with my balance and my walking, so I know something sinister is afoot, and I expect the darkness in my soul is just a part of that.
I'm hoping to avoid the incontinence thing - it's a rare problem but when it occurs I am desperate beyond measure. I live in dread of wandering about, smelling vaguely of pee, yet I know when and if it does happen, I'll just have to dig deep and keep going on. Like those books that are proliferating everywhere that say "Keep calm and carry on". Or "Eat cupcakes and carry on", which I prefer. I might be able to taste a cupcake.
I know a woman who has terminal cancer. She's not in pain yet, she knows she is going to die soon. She is the most cheerful person I know - handles it all with aplomb, is kind and sweet to all, is the sort of woman who says I love you to her spouse 10 times in one phone conversation. I'm trying to learn from her, as I pray for her. I wish I had her jollies.
Ah, I'm probably just pooped from entertaining folks. And other, grimmer events. I'm sure it will pass, because I just heard a seagull scree outside my window and I had to step out into the cool night and feel the breeze on my skin. I can feel little cheery sunshine lines springing up from my heart. they're faint, as yet, and if I let myself think over the events of today, I'll squash them out. So instead, a cup of tea, some mindless entertainment, and early to bed - and the hope for a sunshinier tomorrow. It's about time for this roller coaster to head up again.