July 20, 2010

Well, shoot.

So here I am exercising like a mad fiend, enjoying feeling my body react like a healthy person's would, enjoying the freedom of being able to walk a bit without having to think about it....
Yeah, it's been hot, but I've tried to keep cool, well hydrated, reasonable about activity.
And then it hit me - today - the awful fatigue.  It's been creeping up on me the last few days - I've been feeling more of the "nah, don't wanna"s and fewer of the "let's go!"s.  I've been crashing asleep in mid sentence and snoring the whole night through. I've noticed a sluggishness in getting up the last two days.
But today - the wall.  I dragged myself to my class this AM, worked blindly through it, came home, and too tired to eat, collapsed onto the sofa and slept the day away.  I'm still exhausted, since the joy of the MS fatigue thing is that it doesn't get better even after sleep.
I'm frustrated. And fed up. And feeling that same old sense of loss that comes whenever I am reminded that things just don't work properly in my body anymore.
And I'm reminded about why I am not at work. This fatigue was a daily thing when I was working full-time.  I was in a fog almost all the time, barely conscious, unable to remember what happened or went on, dragging myself from coffee to coffee to coffee to coffee.  And when I'm so tired, I can't think straight.  It's like I'm looking out through a tunnel - my vision blurs, my hearing seems less effective, I feel locked in to my interior.
It's a reminder, not a welcome one, but a reminder nonetheless. Life has changed forever.
Now to rest and heal and get myself back on track again....

1 comment:

Muffie said...

I think MS fatigue is one of the worst aspects of this disease. Throw in the heat we've been having, and I could sleep for a straight 24 hours!