May 13, 2010

MS and lust, lethargy and lipgloss

Okay, I'll admit it.  I'm a fifty-one year old who has rediscovered the joys of lust after a long marriage where sex was the only medium used to indicate displeasure (unfortunately, ex didn't get that message). Let's just say it was a bit sparse near the end, say the last five years or so. (or 10)

One of the best best things about leaving my marriage was meeting a lovely man that taught me that it wasn't ME that couldn't respond, didn't like touch, etc.  It was the situation that cooled me off. I was overwhelmed with joy and sensation and still love the guy, years later, though he is no longer part of my life.

So I find it terribly unfair that MS has sucked away my sensations in certain, ahem, key areas. Not that it has slowed me down. I argue to my friends that I am so fatigued from the MS that there comes a point on a date where it is just easier to lie down and do something that doesn't require much chat. It passes the time, remains fun, provides physical activity, I don't have to be witty, and the men seem to like it.

It's a bit dangerous, though, as it becomes my fallback position (as it were) when I am tired at the end of the evening. When I was dating more, I'd go out for dinner, say, go for a walk, wander about, then feel, really, I HAD to lie down right away.  Y'all with MS know this feeling.

The men - well, they were only too happy to keep me company. Add to that my main sensations left are located in my lips, and after a few kisses, well, life became rather scandalous pretty quickly.

But, I reasoned, if I don't use it, I might lose it. And, like eating chocolate when I knew diabetes was pending, I felt I should pack in as much as I could before the boom fell and I wouldn't be able to enjoy it any more. Well, they do say MS impairs some cognitive functions, too...

Alas, even using it hasn't helped me not lose it. MS marches on, and now I am a seriously lascivious woman trapped in a body with seriously impaired sensation. I tried to tell my neuro about it and had to revisit it a lot before he (always he, always he) would listen.  I'll just bet if I'd been a man and told him I couldn't get it up, he'd have been all over it with ideas.  But it remains that women lacking sensation is still deemed rather unimportant, despite so many studies talking about how sexuality is essential for intimate relationships, self-esteem, bonding, etc.

I'm still interested, and thank heavens I am in a relationship now with a kind, loving man who seems willing to explore options, but the fact remains there are times when I can't feel him touch me. And no matter how aroused my mind may be, if I can't sense his touch, my body doesn't respond. It's frustrating. I miss that thrill of neurons firing up and down my spine and tickling my lust centre. I miss the feeling of an aroused body. I miss the increasing heartbeat, the warmth speeding to the skin, the hairs raising. It often doesn't happen, and it's definitely not his fault.

It's tempting to give up, but I've never been a quitter...and I'm not quite ready to retreat to memories of my explorations.
But I've had to give up chocolate.

No comments: