April 22, 2010

Disability, schmisability

What's a gal to do? I exercise, practice balance strategies, try to eat right and look after myself rest-wise.  So when I go to see my neurologist, my disease seems quiescent. This is good for me, but not so good when you are dependent on disability. He says I look okay to him, I agree.  But the brain functioning - that's the key - the blinding fatigue, the emotional lability, the pain, yes the pain.
None of it visible to my neuro's eye. Especially since I know what he sees - an overweight greying 50+ woman who he doesn't bother to get to know.
He is filling out the forms for me again, for my insurance company to approve or disapprove. I know I can't work. I've tried short jaunts, the occasional foray into what-ifs. They don't understand.
So what's a girl to do?  Try and take care of herself, thus limiting the ravages of this disease on her body? Or let it all go to hell to appease the guardians of the disability cheque?
It's a conundrum.
Adding to my general state of splendour is my new diagnosis of diabetes and hypertension.  So, to deal with this, I want to exercise. Within my limits. So I throw myself out for a walk and spend today lethargic and in pain, muscles spasming all over.
I guess what it comes down to is that we can never win.

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