January 19, 2009

Living and learning

Today was a learning da. Today I am learning about losing faith. Back when this all started happening to me, I thought, if only I can get a diagnosis! Then I can be put on some disease altering medications and then I will be all better or at least I won't get much worse - and I can live with what I've lost so far...
Today, though, it's back. The numbness has crept once again across my feet, up my arms, across my abdomen, along my face and scalp. It is like the obverse of a romantic touch, erasing sensation instead of starting it. It creeps with catlike tread, leaving me with fingers that drop, toes that spasm, and breasts that long for touch but know they cannot feel it.
I've been on "disease altering medications" for a couple of months now. I felt my brain clear when I started them - washed clean like ammonia on windows, leaving a pungent aroma of the cleaning solution. The medication is glatimir acetate, injected once daily into my subcutaneous fat. The injection itself is painless; the burning afterwards not so much.
I had such hopes for response to this medication. It sounded so good. But I am losing faith....

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