January 20, 2009

Peering through the mists

Today was a "peering through the mist" day - when feeling most out of sorts, my vision narrows and I am enclosed in fuzzy surroundings, with a vague central visual field that works. My eyes squint and everyone who sees me says, "ooooh, you look TIRED!" I do. I look greyish white, my face frozen in the dead energy required to keep me responsive. I can arise, sparkle briefly, but it is like pulling on resistance bands - the return pull gradually gets harder and harder.
I'm struggling - with the change to my life circumstances, with the fear of disability, with the loss of my future career. I don't know where to put my feet next and freeze, unable to move.
Late in the day today, I had a call from a colleague and friend who knows about these struggles first hand as she watches her partner go through them. She was a beacon in the fog - a mellow warm yellow light, leading me forward.

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