Wondering....

SO here's the thing. A completely unpredictable disease, with completely unpredictable day to day outcomes. How does one plan? Can one plan? Or should I take the path I've always taken in life and drift along in the current, sometimes kicking out a little to the fast running centre of the stream, sometimes leaning to the edges where I get to spin around a bit, resting for the next push...
It's stood me in good stead up til now. I've been in some gentle hands, for which I am grateful. When an opportunity falls through or I get stopped in the water, generally there's another tasty thing floating by that I can grab. Many people would believe that's the hand of God. I don't know. I do know that whoever put together my particular parcel of molecules was generous. I am able to grab, able to swim forward, mainly unfearing as I face the world.
Today, I can think. The balance is a teensy bit off (hahaha) and the pain level is not insignificant, but I can think and I am not exhausted. I am grateful. I am so grateful. Every day when I can think is a gift, that I only now appreciate so very much. So, thinking ahead, I push outwards again, reaching into the faster current. I don't know how long I'll be able to ride this time, but I need to grab the chance while I can.

Clearing timber

My brain is clearing and laws above, I am less tired. Perhaps, perhaps, my flare up is over. It feels like driving along a highway and seeing a clearing through a forest to the side - it flickers into your view first; you doubt it. When you pass it again, you are a little more certain that it is there, and eventually it becomes clearer and clearer.
The light starts to filter through the trees, and eventually you can see each individual plant, leaf, animal.
Feeling energy return is so encouraging. I never thought it would be so.