March 3, 2011

"It's hard to take over the world when you sleep 20 hours a day." Darby Conley

I foolishly signed up for two writing classes recently, running concurrently. In the middle of them, I've now decided to move to Dartmouth, NS. I'm having some difficulty with all of this. See, right now, my body is demanding a healthy sleep in, a nap from 1:30 to 4 or 5, and then early to bed no later than 10.  It's hard to fit everything in to a day truncated like that, and I now understand why dogs and cats, despite their enviable smarts and ability to control us, have yet to take over the world.
Fatigue in MS is a weird thing.  Sometimes, it feels like water is welling up and gradually flowing over my head.  Sleep is irresistible, exhaustion so complete that even eating is too much to contemplate (those of you who know me know this is serious stuff). It feels like a remix of the mono I had in University, where all I could think of was sleep. glorious sleep. I sleep sitting up, I try to make it to lying down. If I'm walking, my legs no longer move effectively.  My batteries shut off.
Sometimes, the fatigue is cerebral. I can feel okay physically one minute, and then lose my mind the next. Can't talk, can't bear talking, can't even think of a thing to say. My lips don't want to move. Making decisions is almost impossible. I feel trapped within myself, deadened, mute. Even my hearing doesn't seem right. My vision blurs and I can't see well anymore. Parts of my visual field fuzz out entirely.
Sometimes, when I am feeling tired, if I get up and exercise, I can feel better.  Sometimes the thought of that is just too much to bear. Sometimes, when I am tired of speaking, I can still write. Sometimes I can't even read.
It's bizarre, and just when I think I have it figured out, it eludes me again. For awhile I was mainlining coffee to cope, but that doesn't seem to be doing it for me anymore.  I do know that if I go out at night, I need a coffee to see me safely home.
So, in the end, I wind up like Brain, planning to take over the world  - tomorrow night.

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