January 23, 2011

Women, men, disability, and surprises


I'm in a strange frame of mind today. After 5 years of separation and 2 years of MS, I decided to ask my ex for spousal support.
It wasn't a decision made easily.  I hate being dependent. It's in fact, one of my problems, and the reason why (if there are reasons why) MS was given to me. I need to learn to let others help me. But oh how I hate it!
So I approached my ex with the request to discuss this and waited for him to cry poverty or get riled up or anything - but he responded instead with care and support. It was astonishing.   I've been afraid to ask him about this since I was diagnosed, knowing how we used to argue over money - or rather, not argue, just avoid discussion.
If this being supportive thing doesn't stop, from him and others, I am going to have to seriously change my world view. I've always felt I had to fight my way through things.  Admitting weakness meant instant loss, I thought, maybe from some experience in my youth, maybe just from my hard-wiring.
But I am astonished regularly these days by the support I get around the MS thang, around my challenges and my successes. It's quite wonderfully heartwarming and it might just be beginning to thaw the ice walls I keep around my heart to avoid hurt.

It's the first time in my life that I've felt that I am cupped in caring hands. Thank you, thank you.

Now, now that I can feel that, perhaps I can extend that to others more readily. For the last little while, it's been hard to extend a loving hand, feeling that  - hey! - no one helps ME! Giving begets giving.

So here's a big hug to all of you out there, and so many thanks.

Photo credit:http://www.myspace.com/_avada_kedavra_

2 comments:

Have Myelin? said...

I was expecting some horror story, instead I find a nice post about a nice person! =)

I get spousal vunt it's involuntary. Oh well... he shouldn't have strayed! =)

Dabble and the Mad Sow said...

Ah yes, but the mood is now changing, now that the actual money is getting involved...;-)