May 10, 2016

So, if you're crazy, how do you know?

Just came from a very non-rewarding visit to my MD. I battle depression as a part of my MS and it is really screwing with my good time lately. Could it be the fresh lesions on my brain despite my DMT? Or various family issues? Or my being financially tight and chubby and getting older? Or maybe the visit with my neurologist where he told me that yes, I was actually having new symptoms that affect my hands (AAUGH!) and eyes (DOUBLE AAUGH!)? Serious enough that he ordered a repeat MRI for me and I only had one six months ago. (unusual here in the hinterland). Who knows?

Or maybe my MS is just attacking my emotional centre as well. It'll do that.

Anyway, my doc is of course asking me what my problem is. "Don't you feel you have value?"

Um, not if I'm not contributing, no.

"So are you saying people in wheelchairs don't have value?"

Of course not. They all have their own value. It is MINE that isn't there....

It's nonsensical, but then those are the blinders depression puts on a gal. I can't even argue it anymore. My therapist is trying to convince me I have value in just existing, but hell, I'm not buying it. Funny thing is, I know others who just exist and I love them dearly and never ever think they should go tumble off this field of tears, but me, yep, the thought of not being here to deal with it all again and again and again is tempting.

See, it's all cyclical, and I don't even have periods anymore. I sink down into depression, I wallow, something jolts my battery (usually something/someone new) and I rumble to life again, but the battery light is still flashing on and off in a warning sort of way. I don't think I've ever had it go out completely since I was diagnosed, and I am getting SO TIRED OF MYSELF.

Fortunately, I only live with a cat, so the damage I inflict with my depression on others is necessarily limited to a few guilt-inducing emails now and then. My cat is an older fellow, declawed and neutered, so he can identify with my anomie. For a while he lived with my birds and was told not to pounce them. He's happier now that he has my permission to eat any moving small creature we come across, especially spiders.

I know exercise, music, sex, good food, cheese, and girly drinks all help. But when I'm depressed, I can't make myself reach for those things. I simply wallow. Surprisingly, the other day, I actually cried. Haven't done that in years.

Hate crying as I go all blotchy and red when I do and I develop a terrible headache. So then I feel awful about crying, which isn't helpful on the whole depression thing.

In any case, a lot of this is probably due to a MS flare-up so I know if I wait it out or do something, it will eventually pass. It's good to know that.

For any of you in my same mess, there's a pretty good book online about ms and depression 
symptoms, written by the same author who wrote "MS and your Feelings". Check them out, and get yourself some support. The one thing I've learned through all this is that it's your friends (and pets)who will see you through. Don't bother counting on family.

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