June 7, 2012

Rain, rain, go away...

Well, to be fair, the sun that's been hiding for the last several days is actually making an appearance today. I love feeling it on my skin as I curl by the windows.

No, it's the internal rain that's getting to me.

Battling depression isn't pretty. When part of it is due to organic brain disease, that's even more fun. Sometimes I don't even know who I am any more.

I'm disorganized, I overspend, I do silly things with my short term life choices. Sometimes it's a bit scary as I try to negotiate around the me and me-but-messed-up parts in my head.

I probably should have a keeper, someone to be accountable to. But in my twisted mind, I don't want anyone to play that role.

I feel a bit like a badly behaved horse, trying to fight her way out of a stall, but resisting the halter that would lead me there.

I wish they'd get a grip on what was going on in our heads, we MSers. Some of us have no cognitive or emotional problems; some of us hide them and suffer in silence; some of us display them for all to see.

Last week I bottomed out and I still feel like I'm in an unreal state, not really here, not really present. It's bizarre, like I'm recovering from a bad cold or something. My brain is crowded around with clouds and mist.

Where is that sun?

1 comment:

Che koala said...

your words put me in mind of one of my favourite Basho haikus:

All day in gray rain hollyhocks follow the sun's invisible road

Take care